Self-Loathing.

I haven't done it in a while.  I don't have a problem making fun of myself, but self-loathing I make a point to avoid.

But right now, I'm feeling loathsome of myself.  Part of it has to do with others but most of it is me is chastising myself.  I've had a few people tell me I'm growing up too fast and it's starting to make me think that others see me as a fucking deadbeat.  Of course it isn't their fault, they're entitled to their feelings.  It's my fault.  I don't know how it is that I have this affect on people.  Others think I'm very serious or they feel like they have to be serious around me or impress me.  Like I'm going to jump down their throat if they say something.  I don't understand how it got to be like this.  I don't understand how I got to this point.  I don't know where along my path in life, I became like this but it's something I'm not willing to get used to.  Somehow, life has become disenchanting to me.  I don't get excited anymore.  I don't feel passion anymore.  I don't feel like I want to pick up a guitar or sketch a flower or read a book or go outside and ride a bike.  And now everyone around me is starting to feel that disenchantment, they're starting to see me as something I never wanted to be.

I'm just becoming an old fucking deadbeat, a complacent shell of a once fun-loving person.

I'm growing up.  And I really don't like it.  If someone could tell me how to stop this process, I would give you all my belongings because I'd rather stay a kid forever than see myself fall into the sad, deep, dark crevasse of adulthood.

And I'm pretty sure my hips got wider.  Fuck.